I’ve been telling myself I need to start a blog for way too long. So, here is that blog.
What makes me so special that I feel the need to share my experiences with other human beings?
I’m a pregnant agoraphobic who can count how many times I have left the house in the past year.
I’m plagued with some of the silliest neurotic tendencies; and I feel that a lot of people can relate to (or at the very least, laugh at) some of the things that go through my mind on a daily basis.
As of today I am 27 weeks and two days pregnant (according to the app on my phone). I’ve been wrestling with panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, PTSD, blah blah blah, for a number of years, and am now really starting to fight this thing head on. It’s been a pretty interesting journey, and one that I would love to write in depth about over a series of blog posts.
Also, I dread writing a first blog post. I feel like I need to just get this post out of the way so that all the rest can come.
More about me:
I’m a writer. It’s just what I do. I write every day. It’s like some kind of compulsion. If I don’t write every day I get cranky and sad. I’ve been working on a novel for about a year now that I’ve been stalling on, but still am passionate about and I love it. More on that later.
I live with my dog, a cat, and a wonderful boyfriend named Rex who is extremely punk rock and rarely leaves the house without his leather jacket.
I wasn’t always agoraphobic. In fact, I traveled a lot up until my panic disorder started kicking in about five years ago. I backpacked Thailand, spent a few months in the UK, traveled to around thirty-five states, and was always on the go. Then something shifted inside of me – mainly, the panic began to take hold, and my world began to get smaller and smaller.
Recently I’ve been able to leave my house successfully. By successfully, I mean I haven’t had to be physically held down screaming in a car while sobbing to take me back home. I want this blog to also be about that journey. Overcoming agoraphobia has been the toughest thing I’ve ever set out to do. It’s been scary, frustrating, and has also given me such a huge appreciation for the little things in life. I can’t ever imagine taking for granted something as simple as being able to go grocery shopping, or order a latte.
For a while things seemed impossible. I couldn’t walk out my front door without being crushed by an overwhelming sense of dread and primal fear. I never thought I would be able to again. But with the help of a therapist that comes to my house, working with an exposure therapist who is a recovered agoraphobic, mindfulness meditation, and a host of other tools under my belt, I’ve been able to stop feeling like I’m getting attacked by mother fucking dementors every time I try to do anything that doesn’t involve being inside my house. Yay!
Most of my bigger hurdles have been overcome in only the past few weeks, and there are many more to overcome. So, I’m planning on documenting as much of that that is worth documenting in the blog posts to come.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing this journey with me.