Today was a really successful day as far as going out goes. I went and got lattes with Rex, and we did some grocery shopping. Then we took the dog to the park. It’s difficult to explain in words how wonderful just being able to be at the dog park and throw the ball for my dog with no anxiety is. For a long time, any time I’d go to the park, I’d feel dizzy and disoriented. It would feel as though I was completely unbalanced, or like my eyes were going wonky and I was going to start hallucinating. My spacial perception would feel as though things were bigger/farther/smaller than they were, and it would terrify me.
None of that happened today, and it was great. Just a normal time, enjoying the blue sky, and the grass.
We drove around some more around the neighborhood, and checked out a kids toy store, an overpriced hippie clothing store (I was looking for yoga pants, but didn’t find any), and a really neat (and again, overpriced) furniture store. They had this amazing bed in there that I wanted, but alas, I can’t spend $10,000 on a Polynesian wedding bed.
Then we got Thai iced tea, and into another shop where I found a pen that has a button on it that when you press it says “No!” quite loudly. Then we went to the hardware store!
So, all in all, pretty successful. Again, a month ago I was barely able to make it around my own block.
So, I should be feeling pretty freaking awesome about all of this, right? Right.
But my success feels overshadowed by the fact that there’s a store I want to go to that’s only a few blocks away, but it involves going through this one traffic light that seems to hammer fear straight into my heart.
When I think about crossing through this light, I get all tense. My body seems to go rigid, and I start frantically coming up with a million and one excuses as to why I shouldn’t go.
We tried to go, and then halfway there I felt dehydrated so went to turn around for water. Then I sat in the car and beat myself up and got incredibly down on myself for feeling incapable of going. Then Rex offered to drive me there, but then I insisted that he drive me around the neighborhood instead so that I could get used to that. I felt comfortable doing that, but when he asked if we could try to go again, I felt like I was going to throw up, and immediately began getting down on myself again.
So now I’m back home, feeling dejected about the fact that I felt incapable of making it to a store that is not at all far from my house. I feel like I just want to be better, and I just want it to be an easy thing that I don’t have to think too hard about.
The store I want to go to isn’t that big of a deal. I literally want to go there to buy deodorant, mascara, and blank CD’s. No big deal.
The silly thing is I feel like getting there is no problem at all. What I worry about is that there’s a left hand turn light we would have to go through coming back. Every time I think about having to wait at that left hand turn light, I’m filled with complete and utter dread. I keep trying to tell myself that I will deal with it when the time comes, but there’s something about crossing past that light that seems so scary. Like, what if I need to come back home for some reason? What if I can’t get back home? I know these are all utterly irrational thoughts, and don’t make any sense… but it still feels real.
I’m going to keep trying, and continue to work on it, until making that left hand turn isn’t scary at all. Wish me luck!