During the past seven months I’ve been plagued with the fact that I need to get to doctors appointments because I’m pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong – the pregnancy has certainly been no walk in the park (well maybe, because walking in the park up until recently terrified me, so maybe that is an accurate description after all?), but I am not unhappy to be pregnant. I’m actually looking forward to being a mother so much. And I know that I will be a great one. Oddly, that has never been my fear. I’ve always known I wanted kids, and I’ve always loved kids. I love watching other peoples kids, and I know it will be hard as hell, but I also know it will be possibly the greatest thing I’ll ever do.
I’m saying this all wrong.
What I’m trying to say is this: I’ve spent months with these appointments looming over my head in complete and utter panic about having to physically get myself to my appointments. It’s not that I didn’t want to go to appointments. I did. I wanted so badly to go, because I want to make sure everything is going well, and I want to be responsible and a good mother. However, my intense fear of leaving the house, coupled with even more fear about being in the car, led me to totally lose my shit every time I had one of these appointments coming up.
My first “appointment” was horrible, and it was really just a pee test. I mean, I was fine when I got there, but the drive itself was awful. I spent the whole ride closing my eyes, burrowed into Rex in the back seat, crying, and trying to ignore the fact that it felt like dementors were swooping and swarming around the car trying to get me.
I kept cancelling appointments and rescheduling. After about a month and a half into my pregnancy, we tried to take me to the emergency room in the middle of the night, because the theory was that I might fare better when no one was on the road.
It didn’t quite work out, and instead we spent several hours getting into the car, driving a block or two, only to have me panic and beg to turn the car around.
When I finally made it to my first real appointment, I ended up signing a paper that said “just take me against my will no matter how much I freak out.”
This was scary, but here’s the thing… I would be hellbent on going, and I didn’t want anything to go wrong… up until the point I got in the car. It was like I turned into a different person once that primal fear kicked in, and I felt like I was fighting for my life. When I’m not having a panic attack, I’m a total rational and capable human being. I did make it to that appointment, and I’m so glad I did.
The last appointment I went to was the best. I did a meditation, and then just got in the car and we drove. And I was fine. And I enjoyed it! I enjoyed seeing how my town had changed. Like, damn, they put up a new grocery store three blocks from my house. It’s been there for six months? Damn. I’d never seen it.
When we made it to the appointment I was practically beaming.
I snapped this in the doctors office. I was so happy, and so proud of myself. This was the moment I finally felt like I could do anything. Like I could get anywhere I needed to go without turning into a panicked mess.
I’m writing this because I just got a phone call that a few months ago would strike fear into my heart.
The dreaded automated appointment reminder phone call.
But this time, I was overfilled with excitement and joy, because it’s an appointment for a 3D ultrasound.
And I absolutely can’t wait, and I couldn’t be happier.
I missed several 3D Ultrasound appointments that I felt so guilty about. When I would miss an appointment, I would cry and sulk for days, feeling like a total screw up, hating myself, and feeling utterly rejected and ultimately extremely guilty.
But now I know that I will without a doubt make it to this one, and I’m finally able to enjoy how exciting it is.
Music has helped me in so many ways throughout all of this. There’s one song that I would play in the car when trying to get to appointments. It has this line in it.
“When you feel like you’re going through hell, keep going.”
I would repeat it like a mantra. Keep going. And I kept going, and I’m so excited to be able to see what it’s like on the other side.
Also, here’s that song: