I had a success and a fail this week. Failure is a term I keep coming back to, and it would probably be good for me to stop looking at things as total failures, but it can be so hard to pull myself out of that sort of black and white mentality when I’m in the middle of things.
I made it to my ultrasound appointment. I was very excited and happy to get there.
However, I ended up feeling pretty disappointed for a couple reasons.
Okay, I’m really happy, because everything looks good, and baby looks healthy. Baby is definitely a girl, and is 3 1/2 lbs. Also, today I am exactly 30 weeks pregnant! Her heart looks good, which is what we’ve been worried about. I had open heart surgery when I was a baby, so we want to make sure that she doesn’t have the same thing I did.
So everything was great, why was I feeling down? It’s silly, but I was told that I would be having a 3-D ultrasound, and it turned out that they weren’t going to do that… and baby had her hands covering her face pretty much the whole time. And I didn’t get any actual pictures of the ultrasound other than one blurry photo that says “girl parts” on it.
Also, getting there and back seemed relatively easy. Which is great! But then when I got home, I felt like I hadn’t done enough. I felt like I needed to go back out. Part of the reason I was down on myself was that I had initially wanted to go to some other places around the area my appointment was at, because I would be going farther from home than I usually ever do, so I should do extra stuff too. Instead, I got freaked out that there would be a bunch of traffic and opted to go straight home.
Rex and I ended up getting smoothies, going to a skate shop, going to a thrift store, a cute boutique in the area, and then to the grocery store. I was really happy, because a lot of these things are things I haven’t done in ages. I found a cute Hello Kitty plush backpack at the thrift store, an adorable onesie of a skeleton on a skateboard at the skate shop, and a ceramic tea cup with a cat on it at the boutique.
When we were in the grocery store. my feet started killing me. I started feeling super heavy and pregnant and hurting all over, and wanted to go home. We were only about two minutes from the house, but the traffic was just awful. It probably took us ten minutes to get home. Maybe it was less, I don’t know, in my head it was an eternity. The image of all those cars stopped dead in the street rattled the hell out of me, and I lost my shit.
The next day I had another appointment, and I was so beat and tired from the day before that I felt I had zero energy to cope with anything… and I freaked out, and ultimately didn’t end up making it to the appointment. I cried, sobbed, panicked, freaked out, and basically turned into a giant mess. Not even a hot mess. Just a giant sobby pregnant mess. I felt so mad and upset with myself. So angry at my inability to go. I want so desperately for my agoraphobia and panic to be just completely gone. I want so badly to just not have to deal with this panic stuff anymore. It’s agonizing. And I feel so guilty when I am unable to make it places. This was yesterday, and I am still just feeling terrible and angry with myself, and trying to be able to get myself into a better headspace about it.
So I’m trying not to let myself feel like my failure cancels out my success, but it’s so damn hard to do. I was afraid that the hospital I’m going to wouldn’t see me anymore if I missed an appointment, but they were so nice on the phone and assured me they would still see me. They scheduled me for Tuesday, and now I’m back to being nervous and freaked out about going to that after the mess of a fail the last attempt at making it to an appointment was.
I’m just trying to search my head for what went wrong. I had gotten freaked out by seeing traffic the day before, and also felt totally exhausted and drained of all energy from the day before.
Anyway, I’m going to do my best to be brave, and make it to my next appointment as best I can. I also think that in the future I shouldn’t schedule appointments so close together, as I need to re-energize in between big outings for myself.
Also, I’m grateful that I didn’t have time to just stew in my house all evening as the neighbors had a party they invited to me. It was a birthday party for a friend, and was voodoo/New Orleans themed, and was pretty awesome. The party was a lot of fun, and I was really impressed with the decorations, and food, down to the voodoo doll cookies and an awesome bar setup. I didn’t get any pictures. Maybe I’ll be tagged on Facebook.
Also later in the evening Rex and I decided to watch The Princess Bride, and I learned that he has every line of the movie memorized, which is kind of awesome (even though I had to make him stop), and makes me love him even more.
Also, I’m excited to go to a show next month. It’s this band that I’ve been listening to recently. A folk punk band.
Before I was dealing with all this anxiety crap, I was going to shows all the time. Mostly punk shows. And hip hop shows. Hell, just music in general. I was happy over the winter, because I got to see quite a few bands/artists that I love (December and January).
Here’s a song of the band I’m going to see:
I’m happy because it’s happening right down the street from my house. But then I found out that pretty much all of Leftover Crack is going to be there.. who I’ve seen quite a few times, but they also tend to draw gigantic freaking crowds, so we’ll see how it goes. Also, I thought that acoustic folk punk would be good because there would be less of a mosh pit, but since LOC will be there, I don’t know if there will be a huge mosh pit and… Shit, I’m doing it again. Future tripping. I need to stop that.
I feel like this song is fitting as well:
And since I’m on a roll with the music, I have to share this one as well. It’s Aesop Rock with Kimya Dawson, who is a freaking bad ass and I love her. I saw her a few years ago and we were both wearing a Harry and the Potters t-shirt, and it was kind of amazing. This song is so powerful, and never fails to send chills down me.
Okay, I’m done now. Thanks so much for reading and sharing with me. ❤