I made it to yet another appointment today. It was difficult, but I’m proud of myself for pulling through. I listened to some hip hop (poor Rex), and we made it.
I was rather disappointed by the actual appointment itself though. All they did was weigh me, measure my belly, and listen to the heartbeat through a doppler thing, but the baby was kicking and moving around so much that it was hard to hear.
I did get quite a bit of anxiety towards the second half of driving, and then once we were waiting in the waiting room… and when we were in the exam room… but I didn’t have a melt down or freak out or totally panic, so that’s good!
So, I was pretty disappointed by the appointment itself, because it felt like I went through this big ordeal to get myself there and then not much happened. So, I went to the hospital where I want to give birth at and did a tour. That was pretty cool, and it made me feel a lot better about getting out. I think part of my reluctance to go out is also due to the fact that when I do, a lot of the time it just seems so anticlimactic… Like – okay, I looked my fears in the face and went through all this effort to show up, only to feel like it didn’t really matter.
I took a video of the birthing room, and I really liked it. And here’s that video, in case you want to witness me milling around the room feeling not anxious:
I know it’s not a great video or anything, but I’ve been thinking about doing videos documenting my outings and things. I wasn’t planning on posting it or anything at the time, but I do miss making videos. I have a crafty YouTube channel that I felt I did pretty well on, and even gained a few thousand subscribers on, which I may link at some point.
Also, I went for a successful walk on my own yesterday with my dog.. and my cat followed me the entire way. It was pretty cute actually. He stayed right next to me or my dog the entire way.
I also had a session with my exposure therapist yesterday, and I drove around the neighborhood a bunch. It was really good for me, but I felt like I wasn’t making as much progress as I’d like to. I still really need to work on not being so hard on myself.
So all in all, things are looking up for the most part anxiety wise. Although it has been an extremely trying week.
On Monday there was an 8-year-old girl who was killed by a 15 year old boy about 5-10 minutes from my house, at an apartment complex I’ve gone to before. It was actually one of the last places I went to for a party, and it’s been really hard for me to cope with. I can’t imagine what her family and the people who knew her are going through, but a lot of my friends on Facebook knew her personally and it’s just been so heartbreaking. There really are no words. We drove past the school she went to on the way to the appointment this morning and I could feel tears welling up. Just Monday I remember seeing missing flyers, and posting one to my Facebook page, and hoping that they would find her okay, or that she had just wandered off to the beach or something.
So I decided I needed to disconnect from Facebook for a few days. I made it one day, and the next thing I saw on Facebook was that I found out my grandfather on my dads side had passed away. I wasn’t close with him and had only met him a handful of times, but it was still difficult for me, and also kind of hard to find out via Facebook. The world we live in today, you know?
I guess where I am at right now, is that I feel like if I focus on these bad things going on I’m going to break. I’ve just been feeling so fragile about it all… but then I feel guilty for trying not to think about those things.