Doom, Gratitude, Decisions and Wizard Rock

I’m not feeling too great today, and I wish that I could pinpoint exactly what’s wrong.

I’m just feeling a general overwhelming sense of dread. That doomy feeling has crept back in, and I feel like my spirit has been crushed, but I don’t know what will make it better or fix it.

I’ve been having a difficult time because my mom went out of town this week (she lives next door to me) and my other next door neighbors also went out of town. I get really anxious when I know all the people around me aren’t here. It’s something about the security of knowing that if I needed someone, or needed to go to the hospital or something crazy (which, almost 8 months pregnant, isn’t too much of a crazy worry I guess) that someone will be around. Rex has been around, but he can’t always be here, he works and has stuff to do.

Then there’s that show happening today which has just been looming in my mind. Should I go? Should I not go? I don’t know! But I am grateful for the kind and sweet comments a few of you left on my previous post. It did make me feel a lot better, and I’m so grateful every time one of you comments or offers words of encouragement. It really does mean the world to me. When I started this blog, I honestly didn’t think anyone would read it, and it’s been incredible to read your blogs, and have you read mine back… So, thank you so much for that.

Having you read my blog has also made me feel more determined to do better and to succeed. A lot of, if not all or most, of the people who follow my blog, also struggle with mental health issues and anxiety. Some of you are struggling worse than I am, and some of you are doing really awesome. I hope that I can do really awesome things, and tell you about them, and that maybe it will help you to feel better about what you’re doing, or will help show you that we can both make it through this stuff and be epic badasses who trudged through hell and came out on the other side as super men and women, ready to valiantly face anything life throws at us.

But today, I won’t lie, things seem really hard. And I guess that’s okay, because things don’t seem as hard as they did a month ago. I was kind of in a rut about the idea of, “but I’ve felt like I’m getting better, and now I feel crappy.” So I guess it’s okay that I feel crappy and down, because it doesn’t mean I’m not getting better… it just means I feel crappy.

I visited with my cousin yesterday who is leaving for college in a few weeks. I gave her a copy of Adulting and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I highly recommend the latter. I haven’t read a book that made me laugh so hysterically in a long time.

I also offhandedly mentioned my days of being in a wizard rock punk band about ten years ago, which I thought she knew about, but it turns out she didn’t know about my crazy wizard days.

So yeah, I was in a wizard band called Azkaband briefly. I also ended up hosting a lot of wizard rock bands at my house, and saw a lot of wizard rock bands between like ’06-’08. It was fun recalling me getting really drunk and Harry and the Potters letting me come on stage with them and play tambourine at a sold out show in San Francisco, or sitting around with The Whomping Willow, The Remus Lupins, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Catchlove in my closet drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and nerding out on Harry Potter and other things.

Anyway, it was fun to think about some of the geekiest days of my life. So, here’s one for the Harry Potter fans:

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