Trying to stop what-if thinking…

I haven’t left the house in a few days and it’s really getting to me. The show I’m supposed to go to is tomorrow, and I’m really nervous about it. I want to go so bad, but I’ve been feeling so isolated inside my house (what’s new, right?), that I feel like I should have been preparing everyday leading up to going, and it just feels so scary.

I want to go so badly. I miss seeing live music so much. So much.

The last show I went to was to see Pat the Bunny, which was really cool. It was the third time I’ve seen him, and I got to talk to him for a little bit, and got a few pictures. (Actually, Rex didn’t know how to use an iPhone and ended up taking over 60 of the same exact picture).

I keep going over in my head where we’re going to park, what if we can’t find anywhere to park, what if it’s too crowded, what if we get stuck in traffic going there or back, what if I need to leave? And then I keep thinking, if I do need to leave, I’ll feel really guilty making Rex leave too, because it should be fun. Then I keep thinking that I would really rather not show up right when it starts, and I’d like to show up when music is already playing, but I know Rex really hates showing up late to anything, so maybe it’s better if I don’t go.

Then I worry about whether or not there will be enough room to easily get in and out of the show, or if it will be too ridiculously crowded to get in. As far as I know, all the members of Leftover Crack are going to be there, and they were banned from playing at several venues in my town because people (who I was there with) injured themselves and did stupid stuff, and their shows can get pretty rowdy. Normally this wouldn’t bother me at all. I’ve never had a panic attack in a mosh pit, or at a punk show, but now I’m pregnant and I think going in mosh pits is definitely something that you’re not supposed to do when you’re pregnant. So I wonder if going would be irresponsible for the baby.

Wow, it really sucks being in my head sometimes.

I really hope that I end up finding the strength to go, and that I can curb all of these what if thoughts.

Me and Pat the Bunny (aka the guy from Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains, Wingnut Dishwashers Union, Ramshackle Glory, etc.). Rex took over 60 of this same picture, and I look just as sweaty and unkempt in all of them.

Me and Pat the Bunny (aka the guy from Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains, Wingnut Dishwashers Union, Ramshackle Glory, etc.). Rex took over 60 of this same picture, and I look just as sweaty and unkempt in all of them.

I'm posting this photo for no other reason other than this was taken about a month before I got pregnant, and it makes me feel better about myself when I feel so damn huge.

I’m posting this photo for no other reason other than this was taken about a month before I got pregnant, and it makes me feel better about myself when I feel so damn huge.

Also, here is a song by Pat the Bunny. It helps sometimes.

Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep on loving. Keep on fighting. And hold on, and hold on. Hold on for your life.

And here’s a video I took the second to last time I saw him live:

Damn, now I really wish I was going to see Pat the Bunny. I love the videos I took of that show, especially because you can hear everyone singing along… and his shows are always like a giant epic punk rock folk singalong, and it’s so much fun.

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11 thoughts on “Trying to stop what-if thinking…

  1. bylaurenhayley says:

    Good luck I hope you’re able to go – but don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t. As for the baby, you’ll most likely be absolutely fine, just try and stay on the sidelines if you’re worried about getting squashed! xx

    Liked by 1 person

      • bylaurenhayley says:

        Good plan. If you don’t mind me asking, are there any specific things that could be put in place before by the venue that would make you feel more comfortable? I’m helping someone plan an event targetted at anxiety sufferers like us at the moment, and one of my roles is to try and make sure people like you and me feel able to come and not too scared – like you do about this. If you have any suggestions on what would make your life easier, I’d really appreciate them šŸ™‚

        Like

      • Chloe says:

        Well, the venue is smaller than the size of my living room and several hundred people have RSVP’d on Facebook already, so that’s definitely most of my concern. That and where to park. I tend to gravitate towards punk shows and things, so basically just having a space that I can stand and be in in the back without fear of being pushed/hit/slammed into…

        As for me personal regarding other events, I suppose just having enough space to be without being totally crowded into a small space.

        That’s really awesome about the event you’re planning! If I think of anything else I’ll comment on your blog somewhere šŸ™‚

        Like

  2. tracihalpin says:

    I know it does suck being in our heads sometimes. Maybe it would help if you wrote down each concern and how you will deal with it. For example, I was in NYC to see u2 and the last train home was at 12 30. I knew the show didn’t end until after 11 and it would be hard to get a cab back to grand Central so I figured if I missed the train I would stay in a hotel. I brought my credit card and cash. It helps to have some idea of options even if you don’t use them. I ended up having a friend pick me up but that was my plan. Plans help so your mind is not spinning round and round. It gives you some ground to hold on to. And it’s OK if you choose not to go; your baby is most important. One time I had tickets for Rhianna and I just didn’t go bc it felt too stimulating. Do what’s best for you and baby and Rex should understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:

      Thanks so much… there was a lot of great advice here. I’ll try to do that, but I am unsure of if I’ve just gotten myself too worked up >_< Also, I've seen U2 four times! My mom is a huge fan and has seen them over 70 times, so took me along for a few. Lots of fun!

      Like

  3. gentlekindness says:

    I do the same “what if” thing as you do. Some days I think of all the horrible things that could happen and then the thoughts keep circling around and the anxiety gets worse and worse.
    Then sometimes none of it happens. But other times it does. So thinking that it will never happen does not help. It is very hard to get out of.

    Like

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