I had a visit with my therapist today that went really well. She has been coming to my house every week for quite a while now. 9, 10 months? More? I don’t know. But I feel so grateful and blessed to have someone who has been willing to come see me in my home, since especially when I first started seeing her I was 100% housebound and unable to go anywhere to get help.
I’ve been getting down on myself a bit for “not doing enough,” which is total crap, because I know I’ve been kicking ass. When I think about where I was six months ago, it’s like night and day, and seeing her made me think about the places I’ve been throughout the time I’ve been seeing her – and I’m doing better now than the entire time I’ve been working with her, and that’s pretty freakin’ awesome.
It made me wonder – when will I be doing enough? When will any of us feel like we are doing good enough?
Getting over panic and anxiety, going through it, trudging through it, is hard work. And just because we don’t always succeed in everything we attempt or set out to do, doesn’t mean that we are failures or not good enough.
So I’m trying to remind myself that I am good enough. I am doing well. I am accomplishing a lot, and just because it doesn’t feel like that all the time, doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
I didn’t end up making it to the concert that I wanted to go to yesterday. Instead of letting it weigh me down, and beating myself up about it, I’m going to move on and feel okay about it. It didn’t happen, but I know that there’s a whole lot of music in my future.
I did try to go to the beach, and ended up getting anxious 3/4 of the way driving there and made Rex turn around. Literally five minutes after we got home it started pouring rain followed by some pretty intense thunder and lightning.
I did get a few pictures of the sky right before that happened:
It may sound silly, but I kind of took it as a sign that I was doing what I needed to be doing for myself. I walked in my house, went upstairs, and it started pouring out of nowhere. I can’t remember the last time it rained here, it’s been so long. We barely got a few days of rain in the winter, so it was pretty crazy that the weather acted up so much.
Something that seems pretty small, but that I’m proud of regardless, is that I did my makeup yesterday. Okay, let me explain. I wrote a few days ago that a bunch of hippies came through my house and “cleaned” (see: Ransacked), and as I have OCD and issues with contamination, was really afraid to do my makeup. But, I faced my contamination fears and put on my makeup. I even improvised using eyeshadow as eyeliner, because these people threw away my eyeliner. I had bought it two days before, and it was $20 eyeliner (taking deep breaths). Dude. You just don’t mess with a woman’s eyeliner. Or a mans, for that matter (I’m looking at you, Robert Smith). You just don’t do it. Ever.
Also, I’m kind of a fan of shameless selfies. You will probably encounter them often in my blog. I think selfies are awesome, and I love seeing other peoples selfies.
As someone who feels crappy a lot of the time, feeling good enough to take a selfie, means that I was feeling awesome enough about myself to take a selfie! And that’s rad, and we should celebrate when we feel that good about ourselves, and when other people feel good about themselves. Because wallowing in our own self-pity and misery kind of sucks. But we all go there – I’m guilty of it, and it just makes it worse to get down on yourself even more because you’re not happy and shiny all the time. But having records of the times when you’re doing well can be really helpful, and I think it’s important to record or document the good stuff in whatever ways we can.
I was telling my therapist about my blog, and I said that I wanted to try to focus on as many of my successes I can, and that maybe that will help others too. We talked about how it can also be harmful to only write about the good things, because that can make people feel really crappy about themselves when they’re not doing well. So, I’m going to write about the good stuff and the bad stuff, instead of trying to project only one side of myself here. I think that some people tend to write blogs that are either all positive, or all negative, and having a balance of something in between is pretty cool, because that feels real, and how life actually is. At least, I hope that there are good times with your bad times… I know sometimes it can feel like there aren’t.
Also, it made me really happy to see that someone had actually written about me, and a comment I wrote on their blog. It’s the first time I’ve seen myself mentioned on someones blog post, and that felt really good. They said about it,”Just cause of a comment that made my day. Kidding it made my year!” And I thought that was really sweet. And then they said a bunch of really nice stuff about me. Their blog is Gold and Silver Living, and here’s the post. The comment was about how when I was backpacking Thailand, everyone was smiling. They call it the land of smiles. And people there believe that if you frown at someone you are transferring negative energy onto them, and could make them have a bad day, and by smiling at them, you’re sending out good energy. That’s stuck with me over the years, and I try to do that as much as possible when I go out.
So, to sum this post up, I want you to know that you’re enough, even when you don’t feel like it. We all are. And I’m trying to continually remind myself that yes, I am doing enough. When I feel like I can’t do anything, I can’t do anything, and that’s enough because I’m taking care of myself.
And I hope that I can remind myself that I’m good enough right now in two months or two years from now, no matter what’s going on. Because in any moment, we’re doing the best that we can given the current circumstance we’re in, even if we don’t know it.
Also, here’s a song that I’ve been playing a lot lately, and puts a smile on my face. It’s about how all of us are different, and that’s a good thing, and how we shouldn’t be so judgmental towards each other.