And I ride, and I ride.

I’ve been neglecting my blog this past week, mostly due to feeling overwhelmingly lazy. But I mean, I haven’t been that lazy. In my defense, I feel freakin’ huge. As of yesterday I’m 34 weeks pregnant, which means I really don’t have that much longer to go. Everything feels increasingly difficult though.

I’ve been keeping up as best I can with my exposure therapy, and trying to get out and about in the car. I’ve been making bits of progress here and there, but there have been times when I feel like I’m making no progress at all, or where I feel like I’m making anti-progress. Like the other night, I wanted to do some driving on my own. I decided to start with going around the block, and I got hit with a surge of adrenaline and panic and it felt horrible and awful. I just sat in the car for about an hour and a half listening to music and spending time being in the car, because driving at all just felt like too much. I’m doing the best I can, but sometimes (a lot of the time) it feels like it’s not enough.

I’ve also been a bit down because I keep missing events and things that I want to go to. Felicia Day was in my town yesterday, and I kind of wanted to cry missing it. I love her. The day before I missed Blue Oyster Cult doing a free show on the beach minutes from my house. Stuff like that. I feel like I’ve gotten pretty used to missing out on things I want to go do, but it still feels painful, especially because the only thing holding me back is myself, which makes me feel all kinds of mad at myself. But I’m working on that and trying not to be too hard on myself.

In other news, I started learning how to play The Passenger on acoustic guitar. I’m working on it. Rex agrees I should put the song on my blog because it feels relevant.

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6 thoughts on “And I ride, and I ride.

  1. Carol Ferenc says:

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You have talent, you’re a wonderful writer and you’re going to be a mom very soon. You’ll learn to handle your fears as well. Wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:

      Thanks so much 🙂 I know, I definitely keep having to remind myself how much better I’ve been doing and coping with anxiety, but it can be so difficult. And yes, Iggy Pop is amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. tracihalpin says:

    Chloe I too have been neglecting ny blog bc I have been tired and not sure what I want to say. You are doing so well. Two steps forward one step back. I know when we fall back it feels frustrating and disappointing. I’ve been doing well with emotion regulation, but last night I got so angry with my ex I threw the phone. I haven’t done that in soooo long. Today I feel defeated and exhausted 😳

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:

      I’m sorry you’re feeling defeated 😦 I can definitely relate, and it’s no fun at all. Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s definitely hard sometimes to remind ourselves of the progress we’re making when things don’t seem to be going as well as we’d like. Keep your head up as best you can and I’ll try to do the same!

      Liked by 2 people

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