I’m feeling really good about today. I had an hour long drive with my exposure therapist at two today, and it went well. We even stopped for smoothies, and she said I’d driven farther than I have the whole time she’s been seeing me.
After she left, Rex asked if I wanted to keep driving, and I did. I drove even farther. I went to the post office! And bought stamps. And it was kind of boring! Yay! I get way too excited about things being relatively boring, which I guess makes them not as boring, really. But, boring is good. Mundane is good. Panic is not good. So anything that’s not panicky or anxious is good in my book.
I bought two sheets of forever stamps so I can mail out some thank you cards to people from the baby shower. That felt awesome.
After that, I wanted to keep driving, so I did. I drove even further again, and ended up making it to Rite Aid and shopping for things for my hospital bag. I got socks, mascara, travel tooth brushes, travel shampoo/conditioner and things like that. And it felt totally normal. The fact that it felt relatively normal was almost overwhelming, because I haven’t felt able to do normal things in what feels like so long. The more I do things, the more I feel like there’s actually hope that I can be a fully functioning human being, out in the world doing normal things, and not a total shut-in who can’t leave her house for months/years on end. Phew. That’s relieving as hell.
I’m still feeling nervous about making it to appointments, but not as much as I have been. It seems easier. I realize that the worst part is the anticipation. Like, there were so many times today where I would see a street up ahead with a light and be thinking, “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, what if I get stuck, what if I suddenly faint or black out, what if I go blind, what if I lose my shit and just can’t….. oh, okay, it’s already over, cool. That was actually kind of easy. Nice.”
Also, the crib, car seat and stroller arrived in the mail today. I ordered them a few days ago, and am really excited to start setting up everything before baby gets here.
I finally picked out a crib bedding set, and it’s inspired me to do a rock ‘n roll theme in babies room.
I was thinking about decorating with images of strong/bad ass women in rock… Joan Jett, Debbie Harry, Siouxsie Sioux, Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks etc. And maybe some Bowie. I was thinking it could also be a really fun DIY project to make artwork and stuff, without having to spend a bunch of money on premade decorations. It’s a pretty unique theme at least. I’ll keep you guys posted on it.
And speaking of badass women in rock, I give you Suzi Quatro.
and one more…