So, lately my posts/general mindset has been pretty positive. I want to keep writing about things that help me in my blog, but I also just wanted to put something out there…
I know how impossible it feels to do ANYTHING when you’re feeling shitty. Like, my last post was about visualization. And I know that when you’re feeling awful and horrible and depressed and anxious, visualizing anything good in the future can seem like being asked to come up with the plans for a warp drive.
And it’s okay to feel like that.
So, I’m going to tell you about the one thing that helped me more than anything when I was feeling like that. (I might have mentioned it in my blog earlier, but I’ll talk about it again).
At my absolute WORST point, this helped. It helped when I would wake up having a panic attack before I opened my eyes. Being alive was spent in a nearly constant state of terror and depression, hopelessness and fear.
I kept a notebook with me at all times. I tried my best to only write good things in it.
I remember sitting on my stairs, paralyzed by panic, holding my notebook, and writing with a shaky hand, “I like cats. Cats are fuzzy. I like things that are fuzzy. I am grateful for fuzzy cats.” Or something like that.
I would keep a running list of the things I loved, the things that made me happy, and anything good I could think of. When I was feeling my worst, I would search my brain for anything that was comforting. Sometimes all I could come up with was cats. But usually as soon as I’d think of cats, something else would come to mind (chocolate, music, writing, etc.) and the rest would flood in.
I’d be panicking, and then would start writing about how grateful I was for cats, or flowers, or the internet, or video games, or Harry Potter, and things would get a little bit better.
It didn’t make things totally better all at once, but it helped, and I think after doing this for months, it helped a lot in a cumulative way.
Yes, by all means meditate and exercise and eat right. But those are the last things you feel like doing when you feel shitty. It’s like, “yeah, I could exercise, but I’m depressed and I can’t get out of bed so I’m going to eat this pint of ice cream and binge watch Netflix for the next eight hours. Maybe I’ll exercise tomorrow… I went to the bathroom. I had to walk there. I’ll count that as exercising.” And that’s fine, as long as you don’t beat yourself up for it. You have to feel a little bit good to even try to exercise in the first place. When you’re feeling totally crappy, and someone tells you “go exercise, it will make you feel better!” It usually just make the crappy-feeling-person feel even crappier and inferior to these magical people who eat healthy, shower every day, go to bed at a reasonable hour and have already run a few miles and gone to a yoga class before 9AM.
So, I guess the point of this is that even though I’m going to be writing about things that I do that help my anxiety/depression, don’t get down on yourself for not doing them. But if you feel like you can, maybe try them out? I just don’t want to come across as some insensitive ass who is like, “just do these things and you’ll feel better!” Because that’s just not how it is. Well, maybe it can be, but you have to get motivated to try anything to make yourself feel better in the first place, and it can be hard to try anything when you can’t even will yourself to shower for weeks, or feed yourself, or get out of bed. And if you’re feeling that crappy, maybe that’s what you should do first. Take a shower, feed yourself, get out of bed. Then maybe try to meditate for two minutes. I mean, if you feel like it.
Anyway, this was kind of unstructured and a bit all over the place.
- Do what you can.
- Don’t feel bad about not doing things you don’t feel up to.
- Try to find things to feel good about, no matter how small. When you find even one thing, sometimes the rest will snowball and life will look a little brighter.
- Don’t compare yourself to other people. Everyone else in the world seems more high-functioning than you when you’re feeling at your worst.
Here’s a cute song that cheers me up. ❤