I made it to another appointment! It was fine. Again, surge of adrenaline beforehand, but pushed through and didn’t panic.
I’ve been really wanting to start freeway driving, and I don’t know what’s been holding me back. The rain? I don’t know.
I’ve been visualizing driving on the freeway every day.
Yesterday I had an anxiety attack (not a panic attack, I differentiate hugely between the two). I’m not sure why, but I looked in the mirror and thought, “I’ve felt better than this, and I’ve felt way worse. And I’ll feel better again, this won’t last forever.” Somehow that seemed to make me feel a lot better.
I started taking Zoloft today. I’m kind of nervous about it. I feel like it’s such a critical time for me to do well right now. I want to get up to Oregon by the beginning of February, and I’ve been on a good upward swing, and my head has been racing about whether or not it’s a good idea to introduce anything new into my system, in case it sabotages my progress… But then there’s a chance that it could be that extra boost that I need to make progress even faster.
My housing situation is not looking good here. There’s a chance of eviction, the energy is heavy, the city keeps coming around for inspections, the landlord wants to overhaul the place, and there is no affordable housing in the area… so I can stay here and let things run their course, or I can take charge and move somewhere that I can be happy, relax, and not have to stress about having a stable place to live.
I really hope that I don’t get a bunch of weird side effects from the Zoloft, and that it will actually help instead of hinder progress. I’ve never been successfully on an SSRI for any amount of time long-term, but of all of the different ones I’ve looked at, it seems to have less side effects than other things.
I’m really grateful that my anxiety has been lessening, and I’m really proud of myself for pushing through, despite how grueling and difficult it has been. I feel like anything life throws at me will be nothing in comparison to having to overcome agoraphobia, and severe panic attacks. Sartre said, “hell is other people.” Sure, but it can also be yourself. I think it’s worse when it’s yourself.
So.. have still been meditating, visualizing, and have also been reading up more on the law of attraction, and the power of “I am” affirmations. Baby girl has been keeping me busy, focused, and grounded.
Also, happy solstice everyone!