Living somewhere pretty can kind of suck when you’re agoraphobic

Sometimes I hate that I live somewhere so beautiful.

Well, okay. I’m really grateful I live somewhere so beautiful. It’s great. And nice.

I can hear the ocean outside my bedroom window every night. Sometimes I fall asleep listening to the fog horn, the sound of waves crashing, and the sea lions barking like mad.

But it also drives me crazy when I feel incapable of going to the beach when it’s so close.

1655844_10202359230394990_527755660_n

On the other side of my house, I look out the window and I can see rolling redwoods and mountains in the distance. The nearer skyline is dotted with palm trees. It’s nearly always sunny, always perfect weather, always beautiful.

My house is surrounded by bamboo, and there are flowers everywhere, and it’s just so damn pretty where I live.

It makes staying inside extra torturous.

599844_3990547994983_1073980629_n

I feel like if I lived somewhere ugly, in the middle of nowhere, or somewhere that didn’t have all this natural beauty (and events almost every night that I feel sad about missing out on), I wouldn’t beΒ so hard on myself about not going out… because there wouldn’t be much to do. I mean, I’d rather not step inside a Walmart again in my life anyway, so that’s no big deal.

403891_3990548274990_914916714_n

But I miss the tidepools, and the sunsets over the beach. I miss making sandcastles, and boogie boarding, and swimming in the freezing water. Jumping into the ocean at two in the morning. Going hiking. The smell of the redwoods. Eucalyptus trees. Thousands of butterflies gathering together every year. Bonfires on the beach. Sitting on the rocks by the lighthouse. Reading books at the harbor. Drives up the coast. Zoning out and realizing you’re in San Francisco an hour later.

San Francisco

Sometimes it feels like I’m mourning my old life. Sometimes it feels like it’s what I have to look forward to again someday. Sometimes it just feels stagnant and hopeless.

Anyway, I apologize for the relatively depressing post. I’ve just been feeling so frustrated lately. Every time I feel as though I’m making progress, I feel myself getting down on myself because I can’t do X, Y or Z yet. Every time I make it around a different block, or down a new street, I know that it’s bringing me closer to meeting my goals, but I still feel so far away from the life that I truly want to be living, and the places that I want to be.

Edit: I was trying to remember which Sublime song was about my town, when I remembered it was this one (also, this entire band reminds me of being in junior high):

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Living somewhere pretty can kind of suck when you’re agoraphobic

  1. kari'd away says:

    I have been in a space just like this recently, feeling like I wish I was a kid again so I could be fearless and without a care! Now I over think everything and cause myself ridiculous anxiety. But I have been really challenging myself and it’s paying off! And you are too! Exposure therapy is effective but change doesn’t happen overnight. Keep pushing yourself! I know it’s so scary, but stepping out of your comfort zone and embracing discomfort will bring you so many gifts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:

      I’ve been having that thought as well – about wishing I could be fearless and careless like when I was a kid! If only, right? I’m glad that you’ve been challenging yourself! I definitely have been as well, but it can feel so exhausting, and sometimes it can be hard to get a clear picture of the progress you’re actually making. I’ll keep pushing myself, and you keep pushing yourself too!! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. aisforagoraphobia says:

    I can also totally relate. I know how hard it is to be patient with yourself! But be kind to yourself. Every step further is progress, so try not to dismiss it. Keep at it and you’ll get where you want to go. Just don’t give up. *hugs* πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:

      Thanks so much πŸ™‚ learning to be kind to myself is definitely something I’ve been working on, but it’s so much harder than it sounds! I appreciate the kind words so very much, thank you πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. charlypriest says:

    Can I come over to your place and live there? I just need a cot in the garage and IΒ΄m good with that. You live in a beautiful place woman! Plus look at you, a pretty young woman in a pretty place, as you say kicking panic in the ass and rise above fear, I know itΒ΄s easier said than done, but one day at a time. Each day is a new day to start over and make it a better day, and try try and never give up.

    Have a great day Chloe!

    Like

  4. tracihalpin says:

    Wow.it sounds beautiful where you live. Are you in California? I’ve always wanted to go there. I hear your sadness about missing your old life. I think, bc you are so determined you will get back to it. Maybe when your baby comes you will get back to it. Sometimes being a mom can turn you into a stronger woman who can act in new ways. It’s so exciting that you are having a baby. I feel like I’m waiting with you ☺

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mamastewie says:

    I think it’s absolutely amazing the work you are putting in to overcome your fears. I know a little bit what it’s like to not be able to leave the house, and I know how much that can suck. But i’m so proud of how far you’ve come! Keep going!!!
    Much love. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s